


Shameless

by JoanieLow



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Dark, Alternate Universe - Serial Killers, Childhood Sweethearts, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends to Lovers, Fugitives, Gore, Hybristophilia, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Knifeplay, M/M, Murder, Mutual Pining, Needy Castiel, Past Drug Use, Psychiatrist Castiel, Rope Bondage, Ruby's Knife, Sadistic Dean, Serial Killer Dean, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 22:33:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6027820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoanieLow/pseuds/JoanieLow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel wonders how he got to this point. How he went from a promising career as a psychiatrist, to sleeping in the back of an old Impala with a murderer. Sometimes he wants out, but not really. One look at his sadistic lover and he knows. Things were always going to end up this way. They would always end up here. Together. Cas and Dean against the world. With no regrets. The couple that kills together, stays together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shameless

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments appreciated. I apologize if the start isn't very good. It'll be updated often so I hope with time it gets even better. Tell me things you might like to see happen and I'll try to fit it in the story. I have a good idea of how it'll go but I love feedback. Thank you!

_"I'll always be there for you. I have no shame."_   


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_ “Did you finish the book I let you borrow yet?” Dean reached out to help Cas down the steps. Cas shook his head, following Dean down towards the yard where they could smoke. Hannah’s Dad always had bible study at their house every wednesday night, all the kids on the block went there and Dean and Cas were no exception.  _

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_ “Not yet, I’m about halfway through it now though,” Dean smiled, reaching into his pocket to give Cas a cigarette. He smiled, taking it and bringing the cancer stick to his lips. He tried to ignore the way Dean watched his mouth curl around the butt. After Cas took a few drags he handed it to Dean, who smoked expertly and smooth, as though he’d been doing it for years.  _

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_ “The Boston Boy Fiend is one of my favorites….The world turned its back on him so he turned his back on it, ya know?” Cas nodded, but a chill settled over him. Dean had always been obsessed with true crime, serial killers, murder, blood and gore. It was almost all he talked about, besides his baby brother, and when Sammy was around, Dean never uttered a word about his sadistic obsession.  _

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_ Cas could feel Dean’s eyes on him as he finished off the cigarette, it made him feel awkward, like he was under a microscope, being dissected. Dean always looked at him as if he wanted to hurt him, hurt him and help him. It was exhilarating. When Cas’s eyes did meet Dean’s, he saw the complete confidence and self assuredness that made Dean such a hit with the girls at school. They were only in seventh grade and Dean had already had a string of girlfriends. He was the classic bad boy with Hollywood looks.  _

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_ “I’m not into dating for just the short term you know? If I’m with someone, I want it to last, I want it to be us against the world.” Cas nodded, a lump forming in his throat. He didn’t understand, not all of what Dean meant, but the need for long term commitment, Cas understood that, and it was something he feared. If Dean fell in love he could leave. And Cas would have noone. Their eyes met, Dean’s expression gave the impression that Cas was supposed to verbally answer, but Cas didn’t know what to say.  _

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_ Dean, never one for subtlety, stepped forward, and pushed Castiel’s chunky glasses back up his nose, he let his fingers idle, tracing slow circles against Cas’s cheek, the fire it ignited in Cas’s belly was unlike anything he’d ever felt before. “Cas,” Dean whispered reverently, it was a strange tone to hear from a thirteen year old, too old for him, but perfect in the moment. Cas closed his eyes, leaning into Dean’s touch, “You’ve always been there…..It’s always been us.” _

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_ Dean tasted like cheap cigarettes and weed. Cas didn’t mind one bit.  _

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“I just don’t think it’s the best idea Cas. That’s all I’m saying.” Gabriel sat across from his baby brother, trying to get him to see reason. Cas was stubborn and intelligent, sure. But when it came to Dean Winchester, all of that went out the window. Cas had always been putty in Dean’s hands. Cas shook his head and downed the rest of his shot, trying to figure out an easier, a better way to explain the situation to his over protective big brother. 

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“I’m a resident physician there Gabe. And I’m the only one qualified to work with the criminally insane.” Gabe opened his mouth to continue but Cas cut him off, “Listen….I haven’t seen Dean since we were sixteen. Fifteen years ago. I’m over it. I’m over him. I can do this now. I know how to handle a master manipulator like him.” he tried to smile, to look confident, but he was scared. Truly, he had no idea what power Dean could still hold over him, if any, and that frightened him more than anything. 

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“I just don’t want you to get sucked back in….After all that therapy, and all those doctors and all that time you, yourself spent in the hospital-” Castiel reached out, placing a hand over his brother’s. Gabe’s voice had began to crack, to show the emotion that he rarely did. He cared for his baby brother, loved him, and didn’t want him to suffer again. 

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“I need you to trust me on this Gabe. Dean Michael Winchester is out of my system. For good. This is my job. That’s it. Nothing personal at all.”  _ You don’t believe that.  _ Castiel ignored the thought as it came into his mind. No. It wasn’t personal. Not anymore. “I promise. If it gets too intense I’ll have him transferred to another facility and that’ll be the end of it….But if I could treat him….Do you understand what this could do for my career?” Gabriel chuckled, he did, it would push Cas straight to the top, prestige, awards, fame in the medical community. He knew that was what Cas wanted, adoration was something he’d always craved. 

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“You’re crazy little brother. But what can I do?” Cas grinned, motioning for a waitress to come over to their table, they were definitely going to have another round now. 

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“You can just trust that I won’t lose myself this time.” Gabriel smiled, but he wasn’t all reassured. 

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“Dr. Novak? Here’s the file on Winchester. They’re bringing him in this morning. He’ll be here around ten.” Castiel smiled at Charlie, his assistant and friend, as she came into his office and handed him the file. He took it, trying not to look to eager or nervous. He’d barely slept the night before and he was more than a little wrecked about seeing his former friend and lover, again. Dean had once meant so much to him, Dean had been his world. 

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“Thank you Charlie. Make sure he goes through a thorough strip search, he’s washed, cleaned and vaccinated. Have him brought to my office around...2:30.”

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“Why so late?” Charlie asked, curiously. Cas took a sip of his coffee and grimaced, too much sugar, that was Gabe’s thing, Castiel liked his coffee black. He’d have to remind Gabe when he got home later. 

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“Because I need to go over his file. I need to figure out what exactly it is that I’m dealing with.”

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“He’s a monster.” Charlie whispered. Cas looked up at her then, his eyes meeting hers for the first time since she entered his office. Cas thought Dean was many things, but it was odd to him how he didn’t consider him a monster. That word never came to mind. 

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He gave Charlie a reassuring smile all the same, “All men have monstrous qualities. Some are just better at hiding them. Off you go.”

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_ They were in the woods again. There was a little clearing that the older kids used for bonfires and parties, some used the area to have sex and Dean and Cas used it to hide away from the world. Sometimes Dean didn’t want to go home, his father was an alcoholic and a monster. His little brother was lucky, he got to live with their Uncle Bobby, but Dean had chosen to stay behind. He thought he could change their father. Instead he became the main target for John Winchester’s rage. So he stayed out, with Cas, for days on end. A small tent set up, the two of them huddled together inside, telling stories and caressing each other with innocent touches of adolescent curiosity.  _

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_ “You love me Cas?” Dean whispered against his lips. Their bodies were pressed together against the cold autumn night.  _

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_ “Yeah…” Cas whispered back, he whimpered when Dean’s lips grazed his neck, sucking gently just beneath his ear. Cas squeezed Dean harder, dragging his nails down the older boy’s back. Dean shivered, not from the cold though.  _

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_ “Yeah?” Dean asked.  _

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_ “Yeah Dean, I love you,” Castiel murmured, burying his face in Dean’s shoulder. Dean smiled against Cas’s hair, kissing his head softly. They lay there for a moment, enjoying the warmth of their embrace, but only for a moment.  _

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_ “I wanna show you something baby….You can’t tell anyone though, okay? If you love me, you won’t let me get in trouble.” Cas nodded, lifting his head to look at Dean, he would do whatever Dean asked him too. Whatever Dean told him to do. Without question. Dean’s approval was all he wanted. All he needed.  _

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_ “I would never turn on you Dean. I’m yours forever.” Dean smiled, leaning in to kiss Cas’s swollen lips once more. He pulled the younger boy to his feet and wrapped an arm around him, leading him deeper into the woods, Cas followed blindly, holding onto Dean for dear life.  _

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_ “It’s just a little further Cas,” Dean’s voice was ragged, excited, the way it got when he touched himself in front of Cas. He was turned on, aroused by something. Cas was eager to know what it was, so he could feel exhilarated too. So he could feel the same way Dean did. _

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_ They stopped suddenly, in front of a large old oak tree, with a hollowed out base. Cas had read somewhere that animals did that sometimes so they could nest. The cool air whipped around Cas, chilling him to the bone. Dean let go of his hand and stalked toward the hollowed part of the tree, Cas wrapped his arms around himself to keep warm, as he waited for Dean to reemerge.  _

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_ “It felt so good Cas. I’ve never….I’ve never felt so high. Weed didn’t even compare to how amazing this felt.” Cas smiled, excited by the idea of a better high, Dean was dragging something, grunting from exertion as he brought it out of the hollow and towards Cas. “I want you to do it with me next time Cas. I want to share this with you, and only you. Because you’re special. Because I love you.”  _

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_ Cas couldn’t make out what it was, Dean had a flashlight but he didn’t pull it out. The shape was large, and smelled rotting, like death. Cas covered his nose, unable to make out what it was. “I don’t understand.” he said. “What is it Dean?” he saw Dean smile, a wide, excited grin, as he finally pulled out the flashlight and shone it on the lump. Cas felt his stomach churn, he gasped.  _

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_ It used to be a dog. He could tell from the tail. The poor animal’s flesh had been ripped from it’s body, leaving it a bloody, meaty mess, the head was missing and so were it’s paws. Cas’s eyes watered in fear and sadness, he looked at Dean in alarm. Dean just smiled back.  _

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_ “Dean….What?-Why?” Dean stepped to Cas and kissed him hard, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him in. Cas did not resist, allowed Dean to calm him with kisses and touches, Dean was the only one who could. But Cas was still scared. He was terrified.  _

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_ “It felt good Cas. I promise. And I promise it was a stray. He won’t be missed. But Cas, you have to do it with me next time. I wanna watch you….I wanna watch you carve them up, and cut them, make them bleed,” Cas could feel Dean against him, hard and aroused, turned on by his own words. He nodded, pulling Dean closer, kissing him and nipping him harder. If it’s what Dean wants, he’ll oblige.  _

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_ Anything for Dean.  _

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A knock at the door had Castiel on his toes. He tried to look calm, collected, but in all honestly, he couldn’t breathe. He hadn’t seen Dean in fifteen years, only in police sketches and video footage, not nearly well enough to know what he actually looked like. Cas cleared his throat, he needed to calm down, he was a professional. He could do this. He hoped. 

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“Come in.” The door swung open and Garth, a new security guard, smiled, as he and another guard brought Dean into the room. Castiel didn’t look at him, not yet. He was afraid of what he might see, what might happen, if he looked Dean in the eye again. 

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“Got an hour with the Doc here and then it’s back to lock up.” Cas glared as the guard sneered at Dean, Dean didn’t say a word, only sat quietly, hands in his lap as he waited for the officers to leave. 

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“We’ll be right outside,” Garth said, Cas nodded. 

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“Thank you,” they shut the door and Cas exhaled, relieved. He rummaged around on his desk, trying to buy himself a few more moments of composure, before sitting down, across from Dean, for the first time in fifteen years. “Hello Dean.”

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Dean was pale, dark circles beneath his eyes and five o clock shadow dribbled down and over his jaw. He looked worn out, tired, a bruise on his cheek, and cuts on his knuckles let Cas know he’d put up a fight. _Of course, Dean never went down without a fight._ He was bigger now, more muscled, toned, and strong. He looked menacing, dangerous, and breathtaking. Even looking like hell, Dean still managed to be gorgeous. It made Cas’s heart flutter. 

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“How have you been?” Cas asked, Dean didn’t answer, but he looked up, green eyes meeting blue again. Cas sucked in his breath, his stomach flipped and his fingers twitched, longing to reach out and touch him, to hold him. Dean remained, staring hard, as if he were seeing Cas for the first time, like they’d never met before. 

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It happened so fast, Cas had little time to react. 

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The world flipped as Cas’s chair was pushed back and his head connected with the linoleum, he grunted, Dean’s body landing on top of his. He kicked, eyes widening as Dean’s hands enclosed around his throat. Dean smiled, shifting his weight so he was sitting on Cas’s stomach, hands tightening around Cas’s throat. Pain burst behind his eyes and black dots swam before them. 

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“Are you scared Cas? You’re scared aren’t you?” Cas clawed at Dean’s hands, trying with all his might to break Dean’s hold. But Dean was stronger than him, and bigger, a weight was settling on Cas’s stomach, he felt as if he were drowning, his lungs were burning and his vision was fading. Dean licked the side of Cas’s face and laughed. “Did you miss me?”

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And then Dean was gone. Cas gasped, rolling onto his side, his lungs burned like fire, but he drank in the sterile hospital air greedily. The sound of Dean’s manic laughter filling his head as security escorted him back to his room. 

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“Doctor! Are you alright!” gentle hands reached for Castiel, rolling him onto his back, he looked up into the eyes of Charlie, she ran her hands over him, checking him, poking and prodding at him. “Cas talk to me!” she pleaded. Cas swallowed, he reached up and pulled her down, hugging her hard. He was scared. He had never been so scared in his entire life. “It’s okay,” she soothed, running her fingers through his hair. It was something he used to hate, because of Dean, but he found comfort in it now. “Are you okay?” she asked again. 

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Cas nodded, “I’m fine.” but he wasn’t. He was terrified, and Dean knew it too. His voice cracked and croaked as he spoke and he grimaced at the way it hurt. Charlie pulled away from him, reaching out to help him to his feet. 

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“Why don’t you go home for the day. You don’t have any more patients and you’ve had quite the afternoon.” Cas nodded, fingers twitching. He wanted a cigarette, but he hadn’t had one in three years. Maybe he needed to pick that back up. 

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“Clear my schedule for tomorrow. I want two hours with Dean.” Charlie gaped. 

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“B-But Cas-”

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“Just….do it Charlie. I’ll see you in the morning.” without another word he stormed from his office. 

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The car ride home was long and lonely. Every song on the radio made Cas think of Dean. He stopped and got those cigarettes, ripping them open in the car. He lit one and took a long, slow drag, his mind racing and throat aching. 

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“What are you doing?” he whispered to himself. Charlie had been right to question why he still wanted to see Dean, work with him. None of them knew about his connection to the killer, or the truth behind his motives. Something he’d been trying to deny himself. 

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He draped himself in the cloth of his work. Claimed to only want to diagnose the ‘problem’ that was Dean Winchester. But the truth was; anything for Dean. It would always be that way.

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Stupid bastards had given him something. Dean felt groggy, tired. He rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He hated this. He never did well inside stone walls, and with Cas being there….Cas...he grit his teeth, a flood of arousal washing over him. He would never forget the look in Cas’s eyes as he choked the life out of him. There was fear there, of course there was, Cas was no fool….It was what was behind the fear that let Dean know he still had him. 

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It was the same look Cas gave him everyday as kids and teenagers…..Adoration. Admiration. 

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End file.
